Halfway Across the Sky

"Do or do not - there is no try"

Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back


"This world meets nobody halfway. If you want something, you gotta take it... as long as you lose like a winner, it doesn't matter... all you can do is try."

Lincoln Hawk, Over the Top


Boy I need your touch,
Your love, kisses, and such.
With all my might I try,
But this I can't deny:
I play it off but I'm dreamin' of you,
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin'.

Macy Gray, I Try



If this blog has taught me anything, it's how to make excuses so I don't actually have to go out and do anything that might end up on this blog. "Look at me! I'm sick!" Mine heart doth oft cry. "Look at me! I'm super-de-duper busypants!" I lament to the very heavens. "Look at me! Work and busy and life and poop! Poop!" I offer to the muses whence they hasten to call 'pon my tidy gifts.

But if I've learned two things from this blog, the second one is to seize opportunities to meet people, even if there's no actual chance of meeting them and I'm not actually trying very hard. Because no matter the circumstances, if you want anything out of life... you've got to try!

So, when opportunity knocked on my door this morning like a pesky Mormon, I flung that door wide and offered that opportunity some Mormon-cake and perhaps a glass of Mormon-wine... or another wife (note: hilarious). I came to work today and found, sitting idly in my email inbox, the life altering chance to meet someone who hailed from somewhere I can't be bothered to look up and who probably didn't exist very much anyway.

Here is the email in it's pristine entirety:


To: Andy
From: Larissa Diabi (elody_3333@yahoo.co.jp)
Sent: Tue 12/01/09 08:16am
Re: From: larissa diabi

Hello

It is my pleasure to seek your opinion and also to confide in you for a business partnership. Though we have not met before, but I believe one has to risk confiding in someone to succeed sometimes in life. I am Ms. Larissa Diabi; I'm from Bouake in northern part of the Cote dvoire. I contacted you for this noble transaction to seek you help and advice since I am too young to handle it alone.

The sum of Four Million Eight Hundred Thousand US Dollars was deposited in a bank by my father in Abidjan economic capital of Cote dvoire which he wanted to used for his political ambition, before he was assassinated. Due to the situation I found myself, I have decided to invest this money in your country, because of the frequent political instability and also for security reasons and the worst part of it, is that my uncles are trying to kill me over this money because I refused to hand over the documents covering this money to them. They has sold all my father's landed properties which rightful belong to me and has been on my nerves to give them details on the deposited money, which I refused. My life is now at stake so I ran away from my City to Abidjan, hiding in a hotel pending when this money will be released.

I seek your assistance in the following ways:

(1.) To provide a bank account where this money can be transferred into.
(2.) To make arrangements for me to come to your country after the successful transfer of this money into your account, and further my education.
(3.) To help invest this money in a profitable business since I am not old enough to handle such matters
(4). I want you to promise me that you are not going to betray me after the money gets into your account since that is what I have left.

I will be pleased to offer you reasonable percentage of the total fund while the balance will be invested with your help. NOTE: I have all the necessary documents backing me up as the next of kin, If you are willing to assist me , please do not hesitate to contact me for further details and also hope you will handle this transaction with almost confidentiality and transparency it deserves.
Yours Sincerely
Ms. Larissa Diabi


Imagine my awesome surprise at this. A stranger risking their life just to email me! A stranger offering political intrigue and large cash prizes! A stranger who understands the value of "confidentiality and transparency," no less! A stranger in trouble!

So, I didn't waste a second reaching out to my new friend. I hoped to inspire them to keep trying! To let them know that life don't meet nobody halfway! And that they should lose like a winner! And that arm wrestling can get them custody of their child and a sweet truck!

So I sent the following email to my friend who was far from home. My friend who was... halfway across the sky.


To: Larissa Diabi (elody_3333@yahoo.co.jp)
From: Andy
Sent: Tue 12/01/09 08:16am
Re: Re: From: larissa diabi

Dearest Larissa Diabi,

I am pleased to make a new acquaintance from the humble country-state of Bouake (which I think we all know is in the northern part of the Cote dvoire! I mean, thanks for the geography lesson, gramps, lol!!! (For real)). 4,800,000 is a pretty noble and rad number of dollars, and I'm very sadhearted to have skimmed the part about your father and politics and whatever that was.

Firsties, correct me if I'm wrong, but when I took Cote dvoire Civics in 4th grade, I was taught that Abidjan is more of a sociopolitical capital of Cote dvoire, not an economical one... so, did Mrs. Anderson have her facts all screwed up (wouldn't doubts it, lol!) or is this just a difference in our two strikingly similar languages? Sorry to get off topic for a second, but what can I say, I'm a curious, curious cat, yo.

For seconds, are you for sure that you want to invest a bajillion dollars in America right now? I mean with that Bernie Madov guy on the loose and gas prices all like 'What?' and airline food, am I right? LOL to the Xtreme, Larissa. But I'm just kidding, our country is AWESOMEZ and I can see why you'd come to me with all this stuff since I live here and am respectable and rad.

I would LOVEZ to help, Larissa. Just love to. End of line, period, put a ring on it: Love to. But here are a couple of factoids about "yours stangerly" (I just made that up!) that might get in the way:

1) I like rap music. Does that offend any of your country's beliefs? I want that cleared up RIGHT AWAY. I don't compromise my love of Korn or Heavy D just cuz someone's god says that I gotta eat rocks if I like something awesome.

2) I can probably set you up at my apartment for when you come over here to further your education, but you're going to have to bring a couch. Dealbreaker.

3) I have several ideas for businesses to invest all that phat cash into, Larissa. I'm thinking mostly game cards (Yu-Gi-Oh or Magic: The Gathering, they do pretty well) or Take 5 candy bars (mostly so I could get all the Take 5 candy bars I want!!! YEAHHHH!!! (You should read that 'yeah' like the opening of CSI: Miami, btw). But I want you to know that I'm seriously open to input. (As long as part of that input is in-putting Take 5 candy bars into my gaping maw!!! YEAHHHH!!!)

4) I don't have a bank account, and because I live in this country illegally, I probably won't be able to get one. Even attempting to get a bank account would probably net me somewhere in the neighborhood of 5-7 years in a federal prison (federal means it's the kind where people do buttstuff, Larissa, so... no deal). I do know people who can "launder" money, and people who could exchange that money for drugs or guns or white children. Would that work?


NOW DOWN TO BRASS TAX, LARISSA! How much coin-squabble am I going to see out of this fluffy kitty? How much goofus can I expect from my gallant(ry?)? How must squizzle-dizzle can I hope to get from my nappy hangdown? Just precisely how much dookie can I expect to obtain from my funkenjuicen? That's pretty much the noble and rad bottom line, Larissa, and like Heavy D and couches, it goes hand in hand with Take 5 and drugs for children and buttstuff. I think you catch my drift here, Larizzle, so I'm going to move on.

Finally, I want to assure you that I will, in fact, handle this respectful and honorable (also, rad) transaction with the "confidentiality and transparency that it deserves." Best believe, Lando Lalrissian. What I'm going to do is make records of our emails in a secret language I made up when I was 5 years old (totes unbreaksable, Laz, I got it from a Duck Tales eppy) and then give it to everyone I know. Secondsies, I swear to give this coresspondizzle to my friend Chelsea, who is almost 54% made up. That means "she" will only be able to read every 2.3 words or so.

Finally, I'm going to pretend this never happened, and then get all surprised and shocked when I get another email from you. It'll be all like Fight Club, like: "What? Did I do all this writing and promising? Snap, I think I have another personality! Well, if there's a problem I better go and Fight Club about it! (Spoiler About to Happen Right Now) Aw, shoots, it's that lady-wizard from Harry Potter! Fight Club Laserz!!! Pa-chew! Pa-chew!" (BTW, I had worked a double when I saw that movie and I was drunk and also started falling asleep, so, I'm paraphrasing-like from what I remember from it. Wasn't Will Smith in that movie? He's great!)

I can't wait to be surprised by this later and good luck to you and tell your father that I said "what-up daddy-diabi!" Until then, set your brain on 'think' about Jesus and Gods and know that whatever trrble stuff is going down in your life and with your friendz and if your car doesn't work, you need to think about how Romans 25:13 sez:

Get up, get ovah!
Red, red rovah!
Escalade tires on a new Chevy Nova!
Ice Cream lickin stickin chicken in that mouth!
Dinner and a movie then I take it down south!
Get it gurl, get it, get it, get it gurl, get it!
Flip it up, smack it down, poop on it then quit it!
Respect!

Take cares, yo. Best... friends?


--- "Droopy" Andy "Dropscotch" Dropscowich, aka "DJ Touchinbutts

And that's all it takes, ladies and gentlemen, to make a friend. Just like Lincoln Hawk took his son - who he had never ever never met before ever - and in just three days and some arm wrestling and driving in a Brut Cologne truck, they became father and son... maybe even friends.
You have to connect with people, but you can't do that until you barely make an effort to reach out. So I promise that I won't just wait around for such sweet, supple opportunities to fall into my lap. I'm going to get out there and try sometime pretty soon.

And in that spirit, folks, I'd like to leave you with this heart moving quote from the script for the sequel to Over the Top that I wrote some time ago. I think it applies to my life, to your life, to Larissa's (it was Larissa, right?) life, and to this blog post. Here you go and God bless:

[Int. A Truck]

[Hawke grabs his son by the shoulders and lovingly gets all up in his face]

"Listen to me! Life don't ever come easy! And while we established long, long ago that life don't meet nobody halfway, I'm here to tell you that it sure as damn don't meet nobody all the way! But you can't give up, robot-son. You can't! Because in life, just like in Bionic Space Arm Wrestling, all it ever takes is a little bit of 'try' and a little bit of 'umph', and before you know it... you got yourself a triumph. (He begins crying manfully) I love you, robot-son! I love you! (Pause, raising fist to the sky) Fight Club!"

Andy Hawke, Over the Top 2: All the Way Across the Sky This Time